| (no subject) |
[Jan. 31st, 2008|12:26 pm] |
this is one of those moments when you look back at what you've written when you were young, and you just want to shoot yourself.
i apologize to everyone who has ever had the immense misfortune of reading this journal. i sincerely and acutely regret everything.
argh.
how is everyone, anyway? |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 31st, 2004|10:30 pm] |
I HAVENT STUDIED for the PAST FOUR DAYS
because ive been trying to do UNI APPLICATIONS
ARGH
WHAT AM I DOING
WHY AM I EVEN TYPING THIS
dglndfsgndjdlhdfjhgdfkghjkfd |
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| my hair is too long confirm will get caught during the honours night rehearsal next week |
[Sep. 18th, 2004|12:46 am] |
ive just received my prelim results [apologies to those who are still studying...im really sorry for you. really. i am. haha]...hmm shall not disclose them here but suffice to to say they're mediocre; not worth applauding yet not a major cause for concern, except maybe history. one word that most succintly describes my feelings about this would be 'huh'. im suprisingly apathetic of my grades, which is certainly very strange, because exams tend to make me either damn happy or disappointed...okay that statement was academic because quite frankly who doesnt feel either one of those emotions when you look at your marks. but this time around, when i received all my papers and calculated all my grades, i just felt this overwhelming sense of 'i dont care'...maybe its because i was expecting more for my lit and history, maybe it was because i knew the prelims didnt matter in the sense that they had no impact whatsoever on my tertiary education path. but instead of feeling...well, anything, i felt almost nothing emotionally...my mind just felt so numb...its unexplainable but there you have it.
one of my teachers mentioned that our essays had a 'jaded' tone to it, and maybe thats what i felt, and what i am feeling now. my overall attitude during the prelim period was something like 'okay, let's just get through this as quick and painless as possible, i dont want to be here any longer'. i just was waiting for it to end, i was going through the motions perhaps with little or no conviction at all. i mean, sure, during the exams themselves i put in all my effort and effectively drained my brain and dumped the contents onto as many foolscap sheets i could, but the point is that i somehow wasnt really committing myself. some of my lit essays and my gp essay were written absolutely devoid of the passion and excitement i once had in the subjects. i must say that some of these essays did relatively well, i am not proud of them at all, because they do not show me at the best of my abilities and at the very peak of my mental faculties. there was no pride, no soul, and that to me is a carnal sin. literature is by far my favourite subject, but whilst i previously channeled my very life into my writing, i now killed the very heart of my work. exhaustion? maybe. but it was a terrible experience that i really want to forget. these prelims, from a creative and mental point of view, saw me at my nadir, the absolute bottom of my skills.
that being said, though, my prelim results have really managed to galvanize me into some form of action. seeing my results, and comparing them with some people who did really well, i felt a certain degree of...envy? yearning? something like that. all i knew was, i wanted those good marks; no, i wanted even better grades. i will not say that i did not work and study hard for my prelims, for that i did; but i will readily admit that perhaps i have not studied enough. two people really convinced me of this, and provided me with some encouragement for the a levels. the first was my class teacher, who told us to forget the prelims, they were thing of the past, and to concentrate solely on the coming exams in november. 'today is the first day of the rest of the year up to the a levels' he said, and this cannot be any more true. those words really just awakened something in me, because i completely agree and appreciate the fact that i will not be alone in my task. the second person to really convince me to redouble my efforts is my father. his reaction to my results was not skewed towards one extreme; rather it was a pragmatic appraisal of my strengths and weaknesses. instead of agreeing with my lame attempts to justify my grades and place them in a positive light ['but the rest of the level/class had around the same marks...it was really hard'], he chose to identify my flaws and errors i made during the exams, and challenged me to find some way to rectify them. whilst initially i was hostile to this criticism of my shortcomings, i have come to realize that these shortcomings where the very things that were bogging me down. a failure to deal effectively with these problems was what resulted in my substandard performance. as such, i am grateful to both parties for egging me on and daring me to strive for greater heights.
whilst the prelim results have been average and my overall attitude passive at best, i have decided that the time is over for idleness and fooling around. only once before have i decided to put in gargantuan amounts of effort into something, and fittingly, that was during my o levels. then, no one thought id be able to get a good, let alone exceptional grade, but i proved them all wrong. sorry if this sounds like ego boosting, but during that period i was intensely motivated by the fact that both teachers and students underestimated my abilities, and by the desire to prove them all grossly wrong. similarly now, the odds are seemingly against me, as many are dubious as to my potential and capabilities, admittedly with good reason as i have yet to prove them wrong. but now, it is time for me to toil once again and show once and for all that i am not one to be taken lightly. at the risk of sounding so very cliched, playtime is over. the pain begins now.
on another note i think singaporeans are tone deaf and completely retarded. great choice for your wild card man. |
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| how to write a good blog entry |
[Aug. 26th, 2004|12:58 am] |
ha! you thought i wa going to write something self-reflexive didnt you? youre wrong! instead im going to leave you with a philosophical nugget that will somehow sound profound yet simultaneously make no sense
how do you write a good blog entry? dont write at all.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
the word of the month is DAGUERROTYPE |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 15th, 2004|01:41 am] |
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why do all the past photos of me look so ugly? cant stand it man...look like some fat/unfit/going through second stage of puberty person. argh or am i ugly now? shitshitshitshitshit its time for PLASTIC SURGERY! ill turn myself into uh. a carrot. okay byebye |
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| ohohohohohoho catharsiscatharsis |
[Aug. 8th, 2004|11:38 pm] |
to all the stupid idiots who irritated me at the esplanade today [i.e. more or less every stupid singaporean i saw] : i consign you to a life of endless sorrow and desolation. you will be incessantly hounded by your deepest fears and be devoured by the stuff of your nightmares. you will achieve neither contentment nor closure during the course of your obsolete, depraved existence. you will die a protracted and most tormenting death, and will perish in agony and in solitude; also in regret and anonymity. your soul will wither away in the infinite fields of the ungrateful dead, and will be consumed and gorged upon by the nether beings who dwell in the ruinous, most despairing depths of hell. the memory of your inane, deplorable essence will remain as a blight upon the fields of the dead.
other than that the fireworks were not bad...singaporeans please go and die. i have nothing against the country, i just hate the people in it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 26th, 2004|03:45 am] |
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what about the pasta? DOES ANYONE CARE ABOUT THE PASTA |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 26th, 2004|09:28 pm] |
You are a GRAMMAR GOD!
If your mission in life is not already to
preserve the English tongue, it should be.
Congratulations and thank you!
How grammatically sound are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
okay i did it 2+ times...
WHO CARES IM A GOD HEHEHEHE |
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| doggiedoggiedoggie |
[Apr. 13th, 2004|09:54 pm] |
Survey 1
--------------
01. Ur Fullname..
brandon chew wei yang
02. Ur Birthday..
28 november 1986
03. Ur Zodiac Sign & Chinese Zodiac..
uh tiger, sagittarius
Your Favourites
---------------
01. Ur Favourite Color
red
02. Ur Favourite Perfume
some french thing from uh france
03. Ur Favourite Clothing Brand Name..
billabong/dcp/not really any favourites
04. Ur Favourite Shoe Brand Name..
adidas. three stripes maaan...nike also but not really now
05. Ur Favourite Car..
no ideaaa...
06. Ur Favourite Food..
PASTAAAAAAAAAA why bother asking...ehehehehe
07. Ur favourite flower
rose
08. Ur Favourite Actor/Actress..
uhhhhh [totally random] johnny depp and nicole kidman. changes everyday
09. Ur Favourite Alcoholic Drink..
vodka mudshake/bacardi breezer/maybe cabernet merlot but what do i know about wine man
10. Ur Favourite Watch Brand Name..
dont wear watches...swatch
11. Ur Favourite Comedian..
hehe george carlin and kurt vonnegut
12. Ur Favourite Animal..
bear [hehehehe] and minx [cos it sounds nice]
Ur Personal
-----------
01. Do You Have GF/BF Right Now?
ehehehe
02. Ur Girl/Boy Type..
03. Ur Size Measurement
a. Breast Eh? uh. think i shall skip this lala
b. Breast Cup: my goodness
c. Waist : 32 cm. i think. or inches? cm lah.
d dress : this is a survey for girls right...oh maaan hehe
e. Shoes : 9.5? 9?
f. Height : 168 +2 or -5
g. Weight : 61kg plus minus 1
04. How Much Do U Spend.. (1 Year)
a. On Clothing : zero. parents spend for me hehehe
b. Food : oh man...alooooot
c. Telephone : hahaha...same as food i think
d. DVD Movies : zero. haha i dont buy dvds
e. On Shoes : 200
f. CD Musics : at least 800
g. Salon : 200+
Ur Confession
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01. Have You Ever.. (Please Be Honest)
a. Make Love : love cant be made or destroyed, it can only be transmitted. ah okay im a nerd shoot me
b. French Kiss : im not french hehe
c. Pee On Ur Pants : in my pants, around 5 or 6...somehow never peed on my pants. sad right. hm.
d. Cat/Dog Fight : looong time ago
e. Broken Heart : nah. pained heart maybe
f. Cry From Heart Broken: nah
g. Kill Someone : yesyesyes
h. Hate Someone : not really hate lah
i. Love Someone Til Death: hehe i havent died yet...but
j. Watch Porno Movies : YES OKAY I CONFESS
k. Had An Affair : no
l. Had Sex In Public : im sure
n. Had GF With Foreigner: no
o. Had BF With Foreigner: no
p. Naked In Public : maybe when i was a baby
Ur Future, What If..
--------------------
01. How Many Kids U Want to Have?
2?
02. If I Give U $1,000,000 What Would You Do?
laugh like a madman and do a little victory dance
03. If There Is World War 3, Where Will You Hide?
underground
04. How Many Wives/Husbands U Want to Have?
oneee
05. If You Can Go Back to The Future Who Will U Want to Be?
you cant go back to the future...stupid movie culture
06. If There Is Only One Woman/Man In The World,
Who Would You Choose?
i cant choose, because to be able to choose id have to be the only man in the world, then id have no choice cos there is only one man in the world. HAHA trick question! i win!
Survey 2
1. What's your name?
otto von bismarck
2. How old are you?
18
3. Do you have any nicknames?
chew [aha long time havent heard anyone call me that], oi, and ahem a few others i shall not mention
4. When was your first love?
when i looked in the mirror. haha i dont know lah. love is relative.
5. First kiss
motherr
6. How tall are you?
165+5?
7. How many girl/boyfriends have u had?
girlfriends - 2. boyfriends - 9000
8. Sour, spicy or sweet?
spicy but not that spicy
9. What would you do when you are free?
do something so id be worth money again
10. Hobbies
eat read chat music drums talk toilet
11.Club?:
brandon club.
12. Favourite magazine?
none really
13. Are you a smoker?
no
14. Are you a drinker?
No
15. How much money will you bring when you are
out? 50
16. Car, diamond or money?
moneeeyyyyy
17. What phone are you holding now?
nokia 3200
18. Coffeebean or starbucks
coffeebean...hehehe bouncebounce
19. Where do you stay?
yio chu kang
20. Favourite Food.
PASTA
21. How many siblings do you have?
1 younger brother
22. Chocolate, Sweets or cake?
chocolate
23. Can your ears move?
no they just stay there you know.
24. Do you dye your hair?
not anymore
25. What languages do you speak?
chinese english gibberish
26. How many phones in your house?
5 + 4 handphones
27. How many toilets?
5
28. When you are doing your business in the
toilet, what would you do?
read
29. Do you swim?
used to
30. Do you gamble?
no
31. What is your favourite sport?
tennis and drums
32. Love,techno or classical?
classical. the rest sound really crappy
33. What is your favourite drink?
water
34. What is your temper? Low, middle or hiGH?
high,but i practice self control
35. What kind of person are you?
weird.
36. What would you wear when you go to bed?
pajamas
37. What is the 1st thing to do when you wake up?
check handphone for messages hehehe
38. Do you eat breakfast?
yah but im not really awake so im sleepeating
39. Favourite tv shows?
simpsons, soccer, anime, the oc, csi
40. Who you want to meet?
baby
41. What type of person are you?
stupid
42. Where would you like to go?
japan
43. Do you wear specs?
Yes
44. When is your birthday?
28 november
45. Do you buy branded goods?
yeah. all goods have brands you know.
46. How many hours do you spend talking on phone
with someone? alot hehe
48. If a guy or a lady want to know you as a
friend, would you give your number to them?
if its neccessary
49. Do you watch R(A) movies?
sometimes. KILL BILL
50. One night stand?
more than one night man! haha uh. |
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| bloody hell i have a headache stupid math |
[Mar. 28th, 2004|01:00 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  stressed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | radio | ] |
~POWDER SNOW ~
You live for the present. You have no anxiety for
the future and no regrets of the past. You feel
imprisoned in the way you live and want to
scream or cry to try and shake the 'you' that
you have become, but you feel you can't do it
alone.
Which Ayu song best describes you?
brought to you by Quizilla
**BACKGROUND INFO**
MY MAIN INSTRUMENT: percussion
YEARS PLAYING THAT INSTRUMENT: 5
MY CHAIR IN BAND: uh? i dont have a chair, most of the time i sit down on the floor
MY GRADE IN BAND: i doenoe
OTHER INSTRUMENTS I PLAY: abit of piano, very little of guitar
YEARS I'VE BEEN IN BAND: 5
VARIOUS BANDS IN WHICH I PARTICIPATE: concert/symphonic, once in awhile rock/pop
BAND LEADERSHIP POSITION(S): section leader
NUMBER OF MUSIC CLASSES I TAKE: i dont take music classes, used to take piano
ARE YOU IN CHIOR?: no, im not in chior. im not qualified enough to become a great chior person.
WHAT IS THE MODEL OF YOUR INSTRUMENT: yamaha drumset baby
**COLLEGE**
ARE YOU GOING TO BE A MUSIC MAJOR?: dont think so
WHAT COLLEGE DO YOU WANT TO ATTEND?: somewhere nice and overseas
**COMPOSERS AND SUCH**
FAVORITE COMPOSER: argh. howard shore/yasunori mitsuda
FAVORITE SONG: impressions of japan, overture 1812
BEETHOVEN, BACH, MOZART, OR VIVALDI? mozart
**RANDOM QUESTIONS**
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE NOTE?: e flat
HOW MANY OF YOUR FRIENDS ARE BAND KIDS?: doenoe...30%?
DO YOU DATE SOMEONE IN BAND?: hmmm
HOW MANY GIRLFRIENDS/BOYFRIENDS HAVE YOU HAD THAT ARE IN BAND?: uh. all
DO YOU HAVE A SIBLING IN BAND?: yeah
IF SO, WHAT DO THEY PLAY?: clarinet
**OTHER CLAIMS TO NERDY-NESS**
ORGINIZATIONS/EXTRACURRICULARS: history society...hahaha
LEISURE ACTIVITIES: stoning, reading, listening to music, chatting, tennis, sleeping, playing ps2
mm i tried typing something else before typing this paragraph, but i gave up halfway so im typing this crappy thing. i think i have no inspiration. its eluded me, its run away from me, such that i have completely nothing to say about anything now, my ideas constantly revolve around the same few themes. i want to criticize the institution, but thats cliche and overused. i want to express my anger at certain individuals, but i no longer care or bother enough to accord them time. my abstract ideas are currently on holiday. so theres nothing much to write about. ah im out of ideas. and im damn hungry so think ill go for lunch now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 13th, 2004|12:03 am] |
last week i saw the release of a level results in the school hall...yah i know although there were scenes of crying and etcetc what i noticed the most was the group of people who went on stage for getting 3 or more distinctions. i could like, feel their energy and elation, their joy at doing damn well and in some cases proving to all their stupid idiot classmates that they actually could do something with their lives.
thats when i decided that i would do my utmost best to make sure that i would be one of those people on stage next year. i dont want to fade into some obscure corner, reduced to just a whisper on the cracked lips of the teachers. 'oh brandon was this, was that...blahblah...ohillmisshimwontiokayletsturntothenextpageof
ournotes'. dont want. you see, ive realised that this stupid system that all of us are confined in can be broken. i have to power to screw the bloody education system and surpass it, such that i dont need it anymore. the only way to do this is if i get at least 3 As for my stupid A levels. so thats my target. i, brandon chew wei yang, hereby swear to anyone bored enough to read this that i will get at least 3 As for my A levels, and i will be called up on stage to receive my results. failing which, i will kill myself.
i cant think of anything more to say. ill go look for my inspiration, think it crawled into some corner to rot and die. this entry probably sounds damn ridiculous, and will be even more so in a few days. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 16th, 2004|08:21 pm] |
ah i wanted to say something but i really cant remember what it was...
anyway i have run out of stuff to write for a while...does that make you people happy huh? ...idiots... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 25th, 2004|12:06 am] |
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i dont know what im doing anymore. i give up. |
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| im feeling abit feverish |
[Jan. 7th, 2004|09:37 pm] |
okay. lets face it. all of us, tall or short, fat or thin, smart or completely stupid, are destined to die. why fight it? sooner or later all of us will die; you will die, i will die. quick! think of someone, anyone. yes, s/he will die. hmm but lets talk about something you dont already know - not only are we meant to die, we also deserve to die. in fact, i think we dont even deserve to live. the human race is a pathetic collection of misfits, a plethora of deformed and mentally dysfunctional beings that defile the very soil they walk on. we are the parasites of the planet, perhaps the universe. as a collective race, we are arrogant, abusive, and disgusting. as individuals, the faults are more specific - obnoxious, disrespectful of virtually anything and everything, etcetc. we are a waste of space. humans are like an extra appendage on a perfect animal - lacking in usefulness, yet a burden on the overall organism. now in case you didnt know, let me say this now : I HATE THE HUMAN RACE. i dont want to be a human being, nor do i particulary cherish the company of human beings. dont take this wrong; i dont want to die or anything, but id rather be an animal, or a plant, or something else. anything but this. ive been able to repress this sentiment quite well, but occasionally i lose all sense of control an logic. this is one of those occasions. right now i feel nothing but abhorrence and a complete distaste for the human race as a whole. no offense to anyone in particular - it is not your fault that you are human. no matter how much we try we are unable to deny nor counter the fact that we are a blemish on the otherwise faultless beauty of reality. every breath we take, every move we make [i love that song] simply put is a nuisance to existence. the earth, the very fabric of consiciousness and the universe, is irritated at our continued prescence and the doggedness of our ability to survive, and i think i am beginning to feel it. this wretched aura of pungent repulsion radiates and resonates in every single populated area i visit, and the fact that i contribute to this aura compounds my hatred. i am afraid that i am unable to tolerate my own existence, my own retarded life here; there is really no point in me being here, or any other human for that matter. even before people open their mouths to speak, even before i have a chance to interpret their movements and behaviour, i feel that i have known them for ages and i am so so exasperated and sick of it. i find that i cannot stand anything anymore, and coupled with the knowledge that there is nothing i can do about this, i fear my thought patterns and overall character will soon begin to degenerate. okay, admittedly my mind has been degenerating since the day i drew breath. the perfect mind is one that has not been conceived yet. the closest thing to that is the mind of a newborn, completely devoid of opinion, of any salient thought and idea. following that, the brain and the mental psyche is eroded and decayed by the deluge of information, of beliefs and paradigms that we are bombarded and inundated with. okay anyway i digress. hmm now what was i talking about...oh right...anyway what i want to say is that i have lost all hope and faith in humanity. i have also realized that in this world, it is impossible to rely on others, to actually trust them completely. the only person you can fully trust is yourself. lets face it humans are selfish by nature, so why fight it? and lets not forget the fact that we are inevitably going to face destruction and elimination. this is not a signal for you to start acting like some stuck up, paranoid idiot, unless you already are one. far from it. what i suggest is that you continue to live life as normally as you can, only that you keep in mind the fact [i think i use the word 'fact' too much...must find synonyms] that in the end, the only person you will need to worry about is yourself. but even then, it doesnt really matter because all of us are insignificant, insecure...did i mention a waste of space? i believe i did. we are detritus on the road of life, and soon we will be accordingly swept away and disposed off, as all worthless entities like us deserve.
happy new year. |
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beanshaka's journal
